Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
