I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
