Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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