Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
