you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
