I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
