my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
