Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
