she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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