oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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