Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
