You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
