WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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