how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
