I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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