Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
