I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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