your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
