I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
