sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
