I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
