My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
