You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
