I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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