My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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