'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
