I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
