The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
