I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
