when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
