the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
