She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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