So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
