i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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