If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
