so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
