If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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