it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
