I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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