I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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