I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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