You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
