Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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