yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
