I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
