Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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