update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
