I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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