Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
