It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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