So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
